Going to a Job Interview

Working

School

Playing Football

Hosting and Attending Dinner Parties

Firstly, attending a dinner party is not in itself difficult. On arrival, greet the host with an immediate and enthusiastic ‘How do you do?’ If his attention is drawn towards your unsightly beard, simply draw attention to your shoes – ‘Hey Bob, do you like my new shoes?’ He may find this a bit strange if his name isn’t Bob, and the host may be offended if she’s actually a woman, so be careful about which name you use. If your mind goes blank a moment, it is perfectly acceptable to use ‘stud’ or ‘dollface’, in fact, many hosts regard these as compliments. N.B. Always ensure your address is directed at the correct gender. For example, calling Bob a stud if you’re of the male species may result in some undesirable bruises on your face – and then your secret’s out. Conversely, calling Tara a dollface if you’re a woman will result in a steamy passionate embrace, because all women are lesbians. So just be careful.

Well you’ve made it past the challenging first hurdle. Now comes the meal itself. Sit down discretely, making positive inferences about the dining room and compliment your hosts once again. If there is a salad bowl on the table, empty it immediately and place it on your head. You can tell your hosts that this is a religious act of devotion to the great leader you call ‘Falapos’, or if your hosts know you to be a devout Christian/Muslim/Misc, then say that you have incurable dementia. This will hide your head for the remainder of the evening. However, if you choose this latter excuse for your inexcusable behaviour, ensure that you do similarly stupid things during the remainder of the evening. It is highly unlikely that you will be invited back to dinner at this house, but that should be good news for you as it reduces the risk of further embarrassment.

So you've settled down, made conversation and have a salad bowl on your head. You're doing well. You shouldn't have too much trouble with the eating stage, providing you can fit your fork between the salad bowl and your fur. If, however, the main course is roast goat, I recommend you fake your own death and find new people to be friends with - these tossers are obviously insensitive to what you consider to be an emotive and challenging issue. Screw them.

So the eating stage itself is over. Now comes the coffee and after-dinner mints. There is no way you're going to be able to fit a cup between your head and the salad bowl, and under no circumstances should you take the salad bowl off your head at this late stage - you should have done that earlier, fool. So "accidentally" spill your cup of coffee down the cleavage of the nearest woman. Everyone will be too shocked to care about the coffee you haven't drunk. Of course, you will be thought of as a pervert and clumsy twat, but at least it draws attention away from your weird head.

Don't help wash up. It means taking the salad bowl off, and you should only take this off and throw it back once you are out of the door and running away. Say "thank you Bob and Tara for a lovely meal, I do jolly well hope we can return the kind gesture in the near future" and give Tara's arse a bit of a squeeze. She'll be delighted. Ideally, trick the hosts into closing their eyes for 30 seconds whilst you prepare to leave, and this will allow you to take off the salad bowl, put on your coat and steal whatever takes your fancy in the house before you leave. I recommend the clock on the mantlepiece.

Having attended a dinner party, you decide to host your own.

I recommend that you don't bother, it's too much hassle. However, if you do decide to disobey my wisdom, then follow these few gems of advice.

Make the dinner party a fancy-dress affair. And not a cowboy theme, not a football theme, and certainly not a nude theme. You've got a goat's head for Pete's sake! It needs to be farmyard or Spice Girl based.

Don't serve anything too sloppy or dribbly because it will get in your beard - so no tomato soup or custard. I recommend lard. Nothing goes down better than a nice slab of fat!

People get fussy when they find one hair in their food. How do you think they'll feel when they find a huge clump of goat fur in their gob? Don't just wear a hair net - wear a face net.

Follow these pearls of wisdom and you'll have a dinner party like no other.

Going to a Job Interview

Job Interviews are greatly feared, because prospective employers seek to find the most intelligent, motivated and attractive individuals for the job they are advertising in order to create a good image for the company, which means that goats are rarely taken on. But don't worry. You still have a chance.

Before you attend the interview, try and kill off as many of the other interviewees as possible, or find some road diversion signs and put one outside the interview room. This will confuse everyone and leave you as the wisened employee.

Greet the interviewer with a firm handshake and a broad smile on your face. Under no circumstances should you draw attention to your head, because you are likely to be shot on site if you are suspected to be a goat. If you assume that you have a human head and you do not act strangely, then because the interviewer will not want to unfairly discriminate against you, he will not dismiss you on account of your appearance. Just make sure you flies aren't open, and that you don't pick your nose.

You will probably be asked questions about your life, your previous work experience and your attitude to the job in question. Answer them as normally as possible, and try to mention your allergy to goats as frequently as possible. This will confuse the interviewer and should remove all of his doubts about you really being an animal.

End your meeting with the interviewer by thanking him for his time with you and tell him how you look forward to contributing to the company's objectives. If you are certain, however, that you will not get the job, simply staple his ears to the flipchart, remove all his clothes, and write "FATTY" on his forehead. Not only will it be funny, your assertiveness and good humour may make him reconsider you as a potential employee. In fact, do it anyway.

Working

Listen - Do you really think I want to waste time helping you get along in life with a furry ferret of a face? I have better things to do with my life. I am the head of the Somerset division of Mensa, I achieved straight A's and A*'s for my GCSEs, I am training to be one of the top civil engineers in the country and I have a steak and kidney pie in the oven. Oh very well. Dress smartly, get to work early and don't nick any pens - you already have too many.

School

The main problem you are likely to face at school is bullying. People with goats heads are often subjected to the following names. If you want to bully someone with a goats head, you can use names from the list below.

Fatty Fatty Goat Head
Bloaty Goaty
Smelly Nelly the Impecunious Goat
Stupid Goat
Mr Goat and his Musical Boat
The Remorsefully Relentlessly Rabid goat from Redruth
Gay
Fred the Goat
Big Nosed Goat
Goaty
Goat Johnny Goat Goat
Oi, goat
Derek

You are also likely to be beaten up in the playground, used as a baton (and, incidentally, the ball) in cricket and be used as an economical alternative to school dinners.

It's true when they say school days are the best days of your life.

Playing Football