The Substantially Longer History of The Game

The Players Almanac
Companion to: The Substantially Longer History of The Game
(Revised Edition)

Playing the Game:

Ok, here it is straight up, just what you have to know to play The Game. Firstly call it what you like, we used to call it Buggery for the purposes of shock-value and childish innuendo only. Please don’t take it literally. We are much more mature now. (Rob says hah)

What you need:

· A ball

· 3 – 5 goal markers – we use Frisbees or inflatable rubber rings. Anything really that doesn’t more about too easily and isn’t too big or spiky

· 3 – 100 players (but 6 is best)

Set-up:

Decide how many teams are playing, 2 or 3, and divide up the teams. Layout the pitch on some grass or sand, any hard like concrete or tarmac will REALLY hurt, but its up to you. Place the central goal spot with a frisbee and then place the others around it an equal distance from each other, each an equal distance from the centre. Make up the distances yourself. We play over about 20 yards but we are quite unfit!

Playing:

The teams start from their goals. Get a neutral party to throw the ball up in the middle, this starts the game. Add one point to your score if you place the ball on the central goal. Deduct one point from the team you score against if you place the ball on their goal spot. Any kind of tackle and pass is allowed. Weapons and armour are not allowed. It is also advisable to have a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ not to hit below the belt etc.

Make up new rules or read The Substantially Longer History of The Game for more information, history, rules, tactics, player-positions and loads of junk. There are only 12,000 words to get through.

Have fun and we’d love to hear from you if you have any new ideas about rules etc.

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THE SUBSTANTIALLY LONGER HISTORY OF THE GAME
(the companion to The Player's Almanac)
Revised Edition

HERITAGE AND ORGANISATION

“What’s in a name? That which we call a game of The Game by any other name would still be recreational violence.”

During the Middle Ages many peasants enjoyed an early version of the sport of football. However, this game was far superior to its modern counterpart. The basics of the game involved getting a pig bladder from one village to another by any means necessary. The pointless and futile “off side”, “hand ball” and “no killing” rules were invented later by girly boys. The true meaning of the sport was rediscovered by two strapping lads’ one August afternoon. Having nothing to do, and their attempt to make armour out of car mats being unsuccessful, they decided to invent the best game ever. Noticing that it vaguely resembled the game of Rugby they rearranged the letters, added some and removed others, to create the name “Bugg*ry: a sizzling roller-coaster of a game with lots of hot gypsies”, later shortened merely to “The Game”.

Although simple to understand, the International Game Council realised that the modern youngster was far too stupid to grasp the razor sharp logic of the game and prepared this short introduction:

“The Game is a simple game and is very similar to the popular, yet made up sport of “Quiditch”. There are some differences however: no broomsticks, no umpires, no wusses, no robes, no quaffels, no bludgers, no snitches, and no seakers, the one ball in play is known as “the ball” and smart asses in thick rimmed glasses do not always win and in some cases are used in a similar way to golf tees.” Understanding Mutilation: the Official Guide to The Game 2002

Unlike crap sports, The Game has an inestimable number of possible variations and sub-routines, hence we have not provided an exhaustive list. We will stick to the most common forms here.

The International Game Council

The International Game Council or IGC is the single governing body of The Game. The Directors of the IBC are chosen from the ranks of team managers, extraordinary players and League representatives. It is their solemn duty to ensure that The Game is the best sport ever – and they do a d*mn good job. The IGC has ultimate power in The Game, and although disciplinary action is rare players, teams and even entire Leagues may be penalised. It is also the task of the IGC to catalogue every new manoeuvre, strategy and tackle in the game. This daunting task (made none the easier by the League of Storm Clouds) is performed at the Universal Library of The Game, somewhere in rural Berkshire. The IGC must also sanction all matches and appoint referees, who have the power to sanction new rules during a game. IGC officials in the leagues perform much of this day-to-day running and administration.

The Leagues

The Game has seven international leagues, not including the IGC Strategic Reserve (which is dealt with separately), each steeped in tradition and heritage. All the leagues are technically considered equals in ability and entertainment, although most supporters rate some higher than others. The team allocation to leagues was set in 1786 after the Conclave of Persons Most Masterful in the Matters of The Game and the Swift Deployment of Balls. New teams are sent to the Open League for selection by the Leagues Selection Circle. In the event that two or more leagues want to accept a new team the Masters of the League must Bun-Rab. The Masters are themselves selected by the teams and disputes here are settled by a swift game of The Game and a secret ballot in the event of a draw.

League-Team Identity

Once a team is in the Leagues it is fairly simple to interchange between them. The large League of Jupiter can be considered a pool of teams from which the more specialist Leagues may find suitable new recruits or rest teams who would benefit from a change of direction and the chance to play a greater variety of opponents. The smaller Leagues are very pedantic about who they will admit, particularly Characters.

League Descriptions:

The Open League:(791 teams) – the largest league in The Game. This league is the starting point for any budding team. Teams win promotion or “enlightenment” to the more prominent leagues through years of hard work, playing games on waste ground, in car parks and on deserted shingle beaches. Injuries are common, but often light due to the less sophisticated and reduced-brutality tactics of amateurs.

Characters:(23 teams) - Characters is a highly exclusive league renowned for it’s highly elaborate ceremonies and traditions. Players and Teams from Characters have a high sense of honour. Naïve supporters and players in The Game who sneer at the pageantry are quickly silenced by the incredible fitness and skill of players from Characters.

The Jupiter League:(163 teams) - the Jupiter league is second largest and is considered to play the nearest thing to mainstream The Game. Variations are less pronounced in Jupiter and seasons are more likely to stick to some kind of order. Most of the few teams that break out of the Open League make it into the Jupiter League

The League of Valiant:(60 teams) - The Game from Valiant is considered a younger mans game as players are picked for raw talent, energy and spirit. This produces highly energetic matches but tactics are simple and some The Game purists have accused Valiant of being “samey” and repetitive strategically. No one can deny, however, the bravery of the young players who take on overwhelming odds and can produce amazing feats of The Game. Player turnover is high.

The League of Storm Clouds:(40 teams) - Storm Clouds, the second smallest league in The Game is known to produce the newest variations and complicated new rules systems. Matches vary immensely, rules even changing in game. The teams in Storm Clouds are known for their depth of talent because no one can be sure what new situation will arise next. Players in “The Storm” are exceptional all-rounders and are expected to be able to perform in any position.

A.V.B Nitro:(157 teams) - the only League of non-British origin, A.V.B. Nitro was founded in 1976 by an American tycoon. It is the second incarnation of the League. The original ‘Advanced Violence Game, as stipulated in the Conclave of Persons Most Masterful in the Matters of The Game and the Swift Deployment of Balls was disbanded in 1614 after an undisclosed event. Unfortunately this new league shares none of the more exciting qualities of the former, and is currently renowned as the girliest league in the world. A majority of the teams are American with some from South America and Eastern Asia. Due to the heavily American influence Nitro is considered the worst league in The Game by all non-American fans. On numerous occasions the IBC has threatened to disband the entire league after players began wearing padding! Recently Nitro has become more reclusive as other leagues refuse to compete with such obvious girls.

Imperial:(49 teams) - this league plays The Game similar to Jupiter i.e. the game is fairly straight forward and changes little throughout the season, but for one quirk. The current season, predating the Conclave of Persons Most Masterful in the Matters of The Game and the Swift Deployment of Balls has been running since 1755. In 248 years no team has been able become elite and complete the Turnip O’grady McFhizzwas. That is not to say that there have not been attempts! Every year (not including 1756, 1845, 1914-1918 and 1983) one team is given the title of elite, but due to incredibly fine balance and equality between the teams the elite have never been able to master the three opposing teams of the final match. The league exhibits many practices lost to modern The Game and older terminology is used. The Daddies are known as Squires and scoring a goal is known as “Pilfering The Dairy Maids Ruddocks”. Imperial is a league locked in history, unable, or unwilling to follow its sisters into the 21st Century.

Teams in the Leagues play in several competitions:

Elite of the League – a fairly ordinary league taking into account points, injuries and extra-curricular prizes

Inter-Violence Cup – this cup concentrates on The Game Races and is a coveted prize in the Leagues associated with Temporal Dimensions tactics such as the more advanced teams from The League of Valiant and Characters

The Greenitch Endurance Special – teams compete continually for 36 hours, as one team falls another takes its place, the winner being the team with the most points at the final whistle. Teams, once recuperated may challenge again, allowing weaker teams to challenge the big names of The Game in comparative safety. Timing is critical as a team must complete at least 5 times during the match, and maintain a positive score and re-entry can only occur after a current team drops out. Therefore time management is critical as Daddies and Coaches discuss when to the best time to pull out is in order to play exhausted teams and still be playing at the end. In large leagues several endurance specials are run simultaneously in a ladder-style championship. Such is the enormous amount of possibilities and complexities that planning is a complete waste of time.

The Royal Farce – In the Farce new variations and rules are employed in order to further progress the sport. Although games are often dismal failures (such as the dreadful Nice Soft Flowers Special Edition perpetrated by Pansies) the Farce still pulls crowds due to the fun and confusion to be had and the constant fights about complicated and trivial disputes. A number of specialists pointed out that almost every game in the League of Storm Clouds could be described as a Royal Farce, but no one was really listening.

Turnip O’grady McFhizzwas – The crown of any The Game League the Turnip O’grady McFhizzwas is fought between the Elite of the league and the three teams lowest in the same league. If the Elite win then they keep the title, but if the “three Skodaketeers” prevail then the entire league is re-opened and the season continues. Counter-Point Tactics have always prevailed here, leading to the down fall of many strong elite sides.

All the Leagues have their particular annual fixtures, grudge matches and hallowed competitions such as the Bloody Mile Derby, The Classic Vegetable Hot One or the Voodoo Q.

Cross League Competitions:

Elite of the Elite - Whenever three elite teams co-exist they must compete for this title. The winners are the International Game Council Undisputed Heavy Weight Champions of the Ring and the players receive a special hat.

Englebert’s Rear Passage – Every 10 years the lowest ranked team in the Open League (the No Hope Challengers) may challenge any Elite team and any other team from another league in a standard three way session of The Game. If the No Hope Challengers do not all die or become unconscious they are granted a moral victory and the living players may choose to play for any other team for a one season trial. On two occasions the No Hopers have actually won. In 1967 a hopeless Glasgow Violencia managed to successfully win the Englebert’s Rear Passage with a score of 0-(-15)-(-43) when the Adeptus ad Mortem team and Ottery St.Mary First XI forgot a third team was involved and proceeded to annihilate each other. Ottery St.Mary First XI recorded the 14th lowest score ever and Glasgow Violencia were promoted to the League of Jupiter. Unfortunately the team got so drunk during their celebrations that the manager drove the tour bus into the river Volga with the loss of everyone on board. The only other case of a No Hope Challenger winning an Englebert’s Rear Passage is a closely guarded secret of the IBC inner circle.

Gentleman’s Privates – Any team may challenge any team in any league to a private, non-league match. Although any match is possible it is considered bad form for a strong, established team to pick a fight with Open League Newbies (although spectator attendance is high due to the inevitable massacre). Small teams may challenge mighty opponents in the hope of a stunning victory, and a free lunch.

Famous Teams

There are many famous teams in The Game, past and present. The IBC strongly emphasises the need for continuity is team character and this is supported by the oldest teams, who strive to replace ageing players with young talent that strongly mirrors their predecessors. Of course if it the team tradition to constantly change character, such as Legionnaires, then this is equally supported.

Adepts ad Mortum phobos et deimos: The name translates as “skilled in death” and this pretty well sums up Adepts ad Mortum. The team is well known for Ruck and Bundle, closing down opponents and the ball, repeatedly hurling themselves into the fray.

Angels we are Angels. Let no one stand against us. Let no man stand in our way. Angels is currently ranked elite in Characters, an honour they have received 13 times in their history. The Angels team is an excellent example of The Game at it’s best. The players are super fit, super fast and super violent and the directors of the team keep an iron grip on who is permitted in to the group. Their strategic awareness is considered among the best in the Leagues. Angels were appointed to Characters in the Conclave of Persons Most Masterful in the Matters of The Game and the Swift Deployment of Balls but has joined the ranks of the Jupiter League on 9 occasions, winning the Jupiter Turnip O’grady McFhizzwas twice. Angels are also the latest team to have also won the highest prize in The Game of Elite of the Elite.

Commissar not one step backwards. A former giant from the League of Valiant, Commissar has faltered in its journey. After employing a top-heavy control structure in order to keep their young, hot-blooded players in order the team found itself out of favour with the very players that are required in “The Valiant”. At its peak Commissar was the darling of the league, it’s energetic and dynamic form of play epitomising the values of the League of Valiant and it’s players were sportsmen and superstars all at once. Unfortunately some of the players responded badly to their fame and demanded high wage increases. Some, including the potential The Game Giant Philip Winders were dropped from the team. Commissar can now be found in the middle sectors of the Jupiter League and a new management team has promised an overhaul of team bureaucracy and a return to the good times.

G. Force ride the centrifuge The stunning rise of G. Force is one of the greatest success stories of The Game. Conceived in 1984 the team joined the Open League in the same year. They came 4th from the bottom. The next year they came 3rd from the top and in 1986 they won the open league. This unprecedented rise to the top of the amateur division secured the interest of the Jupiter League who granted them a probationary period. The condition was simple: “win over half your matches and you’re in”. Not only did G. Force complete this daunting task, they actually won the Jupiter League. Since then G. Force have consistently proven themselves, winning matches against the oldest teams in the Leagues and even came close to winning the Elite of the Elite in 1993.

Incubi heart of Darkness It is said that Incubi train in absolute darkness so as to train to be aware of their entire surroundings. This may be a myth but it is certainly true that the Incubi read situations like no-other team. Agile, fast and efficient, the players can effortlessly position themselves in precisely the right locations. Incubi plays War of Temporal Dimensions, mastering the Von Manstein and Counter Point tactics. Although many of the Incubi dislike the messy bundles of Adepts ad Mortem that does not mean they are not physical players. Each player is a living weapon and Incubi games have high casualty rates. The team has a bitter hatred of N.X Mikael who scored the final negative point in the last attempt by a team to complete the Imperial Turnip O'grady McFhizzwas and Break the Leagues 248 year deadlock. Incubi lost by a single negative point 0-(-1)-0-0, scored in the final seconds of the game.

Legionnaires that which is unknown always commands the greatest fear. Legionnaires are the only team to have taken part in every one of the seven Leagues. It’s also changes tactics regularly and it is currently enjoying a successful 3rd season in the League of Valiant after moving from the Jupiter League in 1998. Despite its constant chopping and changing Legionnaires is considered to have a fine pedigree and is originally from The League of Storm Clouds, this, perhaps, explaining its somewhat erratic nature.

N.X Mikael full of spirit, full of fight. Owned by the once powerful Mikael family, N.X. Mikael is a team struggling with its identity. The team name still attracts good quality youngsters and is well organised and disciplined, but it is struggling to adapt to the challenges of modern The Game. The team is frequently outmanoeuvred and players lack initiative. The current owner Apo Mikael, Sultan of Lancashire has made some progress and has been encouraged by the teams spirited, if ultimately doomed attempt to defeat Incubi in the Lords and Ladies Classic. Critics have sighted this long feud as a serious problem with the team who neglect the Leagues in order to claim this prize. The Classic is so aggressive that it spells the end of many N.X. careers. This high turnover of experience is another reason for N.X. Mikael’s under-achievement.

Legendary Players

Scarlet hell hath no fury as the Scarlet devil - The enigmatic star player of Incubi has turned heads since her debut 4 years ago. Scarlet has played in numerous positions but favours The Damned and is a keen advocate of spatial tactics. Although her history is hazy it is widely known that she grew up in the infamous Bracknell slums. This rough up bringing is said to have given Scarlet her confidence, her ability to read any situation in the ring and a 7” knife wound scar on her back. Scarlet has been described as “poetry in motion”, “art at it’s purest” and “a downright sadistic violent b**ch”.

Joel Baker A popular all-rounder Joel has enjoyed the sport of The Game for nearly 10 years. This grizzled veteran has survived fifteen attempts on his life both in and out of the ring by Bookies, opposing teams and his bitter ex-wife. Joel is considered Angels most influential The Daddy and plays as a The Damned or Kurt Steiner.

Sticky Toffee what are we but punch lines in the sick joke that is our universe - Perhaps the most well known player in the Leagues, Sticky Toffee, aqua Responsible, is also the most bruised, credited with 27 incidents of internal bleeding and 261 broken bones. Adepts ad Mortem are always quick to point out however that this is only a third of the injuries he has inflicted himself in the vicious bundles that surround this Fall Back. Sticky Toffee is always first in, and last out, of the melee. Since his pioneering of the Get Winston, Responsible has had a feud with Winston Surry, who is now bundled frequently and has his grip on the game somewhat weakened as a result.

Winston Surry two men enter, one man leaves - Winston Surry has failed three psychological evaluations during his reign as undisputed Daddy of The Game. His team, G. Force has won several titles under the leadership of Winston. One variation of the game now officially recognised by the IBC and developed by Winston is based on the two-team variation and involves only two players. The rules are simple: two men enter, one man leaves. Winston is also famous for the development of the Get Winston, a now fundamental strategy in The Game originally conceived by Sticky Toffee. Due to Winston’s prowess in the ring, opposition found it necessary to Get Winston before even considering the rest of the team.

Emma Wade the enemy’s fortress is also his tomb - Emma, a superb Suspicious Package, is a crowd favourite, snatching victory from the grasp of the opponents of Legionnaires, on countless occasions. Hot off the ball, slippery and unshakeable in the ring, Emma has left many Strikers and Draw Backs flat on their backs after her performance. Emma plays deep in enemy territory and as the Legionnaires’ players weave their net of Temporal Dimensions Emma survives alone. After the notorious Bloody Mile Derby, she waded “knee deep in the dead” to slam the ball down for the final, winning, point.

Simon “The Professor” Day mind over matter, brains over Games- Now retired, The Professor” has found more success in research and strategic analysis off the field. Simon was known to have planned for over half an hour preBug*er Off and ipso-facto, failed to win the appreciation of the crowd. However, he finally found his niche as the leading strategist for G. Force and is leading the crusade for the re-definition of Score Zone Variance protocol.

Sean “The Prawn” Parry The Game doesn’t hurt people…I do - An ugly bull of a man and Vanguard for Commissar, Sean plays classic Barbarossa and is one of the most decorated Goal Keepers currently in the Leagues. While skill and speed play second fiddle to Sean’s blood lust, his animal cunning has outsmarted many opponents who play The Game from the head, not the heart. The origin of Sean’s peculiar nickname is completely unknown.

Quotations

“People said we were washed up after ’01, well I’ll give you a story, our casualty target is 80%. If there’s a Squire still walking at the end of the season, I’ll break his ******* knees myself… and you can ******* quote me” S. Calvert - manager of Incubi”

“Mr Toffee is saddened by the news that Mr Surry wishes to sue him on grounds of incitement of institutionalised The Game discrimination, with reference to the new strategic manoeuvre commonly referred to as the “Get Winston”. However, Mr Toffee has directed us to tell you to stick your indictment where the floodlights don’t shine. Kindest regards, Roberts, Roberts and Britt.” Correspondence between Roberts, Roberts and Britt (on behalf of Sticky Toffee) and Chinkovic Lawyers in Practise (on behalf on Winston Surry)

“Mr Surry is much aggrieved that Mr Toffee is unable to see reason in this matter. Mr Surry is keen to point out that he is a model The Game player and fails to understand why he should be the target of such malicious practices. Furthermore, Mr Surry would like to make it clear that after the The Game fixture this coming Wednesday, that Mr Toffee will ‘be going home in a ******* ambulance. Kindest regards Chinkovic Lawyers in Practice.” Correspondence between Chinkovic Lawyers in Practice (on behalf of Winston Surry) and Roberts, Roberts and Britt (on behalf of Sticky Toffee)

“…well the chick walks in, and some of the guys were, like, you know, just having a laugh, ‘I’ll shows you she says’, like real original, yeah…well the ref starts the *ugger off, 9 epochs later and the IBC records the bloodiest game since 1896, and there’s Emma Wade stridin through the casualties like…” Alan – grounds keeper at Legionnaires after the Bloody Mile Derby

“… the other athletes hate us, they say we’re in this game because no-one else is stupid enough to play suicide for sport. Some of them think we’re just killing time before our turn at the morgue. They can all kiss my blood-stained fist” The Prawn – in an article to SportsWoman Monthly

“Yeah it’s a game, and like any game there’s risks. One guy even got concussion playing table tennis, right? But, hey, some games have higher risks than others, right? Who wants to play a game with no risks…who even wants to watch a game like that? No one. I know fatalities have risen in the last few months and we will be taking precautions…just as soon as we give a d**n.” John Churchill - CEO of the IBC at a UN summit

“…Its simple… two men enter, Winston leaves…” Naiza Awan – Agent for Winston Surry

“I heard Surrey Ambulance service had to call in teams from 4 other counties to help clean up…” witness statement collected at the Lords and Ladies Classic between Incubi and N.X. Mikael

“…you’d think he liked being hurt. I know Fall Guy is an important job but, sheesh, I’d let go of that ball if someone trod on my head” Mark East – Adepts ad Mortum and Sticky Toffee Supporter

“…have you tried getting life insurance recently… since Adepts ad Mortum got transferred to Jupiter my premium’s gone through the roof and if Scarlet doesn’t calm down the whole league ’ll go bust…” Dave Baker – G. Force Draw Back and Striker

“Well *** that, Score Zone Variance is the ******* future, that **** Winston is just talking ****. He knows, just like every other player, that as soon as the ******* goals start movin around those big slow ******* Daddies can kiss their big fat ******* pay cheques goodbye…” Chris Tarry – Legionnaires Kurt Steiner

“Come play with me, little man. We will have such fun you and I. Were you afraid of the dark, little man? I will show you what it is to cry. Scarlet - Incubi

Famous Game Commentary

Lords and Ladies Classic: Incubi/N.X. Mikael Private Championship
“The river runs red”
This game is a biannual fixture between Incubi and N.X. Mikael. The rules are standard 2 team The Game with a centre Bug*er Off. The match is held in the Scorched Meadow Arena in Surrey, England and has a long history of particular vindictiveness, especially on the part of Incubi. The N.X. players who volunteer for this game are usually referred to in the past tense long before the match. This said however, N.X. Mikael have won the game on several occasions and this is put down to better organisation and self control, as the Incubi lose formation and discipline, allowing a single Vanguard through, or leaving a Striker to fight off a 3 man assault. This game features a high number of players: 8 per side and spectators and pundits enjoy the complex deployment and large rucks and bundles this allows also, due to the high tensions. Epochs (of which there are 13 in this game) last only one point and injury-scoring rules are disabled. This particular game in the long running series is the 2002 event, considered a superb example of modern The Game.

INCUBI:

Manager: S. Calvert
Mandate: Spatial
Strengths: Excellent depth of talent, swift in attack, primal rage
Weaknesses: Style leaves rear vulnerable, over-aggressive temperament

N.X. MIKAEL

Manager: Apo Mikael
Mandate: Variable
Strengths: Well organised, works to outnumber key areas of the ring
Weaknesses: Less raw talent, fear

1ST EPOCH: N.X. Mikael 0, Incubi 0

The referee B*gger’s Off and the serious business begins. N.X. falter from the line and the ball is whipped out of the air by the Incubi Damned, her long, blood-red hair gleams in the sunset, Scarlet dares her enemies to challenge her. The N.X. Vanguards finally reach the centre goal but the ball has long gone, Incubi go for negative points to shame their opponents. The Incubi Vanguard receives a sharp pass and sprints into the 4 N.X. Draw Backs. One gasps in pain and bends double, the second collapses clutching his kneecap. But the odds are too long for Incubi and the other players can only watch as the Draw Backs lock the neck and arms of their assailant and prise the ball loose. Quickly the ball is passed along the back line and the N.X. formation rumbles forward. The momentum of 5 players thunders into the slim, athletic Incubi striker, the rest of his team stick to their formation for now, arrogantly confident in their comrades indestructibility and held in line by Calvert who screams profanities at the N.X. Mikael players. After a few seconds that seem like hours to the N.X. team the referee signals a point. The fallen mid-half Striker rises, a trickle of blood runs from his lip. N.X. Mikael 1, Incubi 0

3rd EPOCH: N.X. Mikael 0 (0,1,0) / Incubi 0 (0,0,0)

As the players return to the ring, Incubi are already losing shape and concentration on strategy. The DrawBacks edge forwards and the Vanguard are all but shaking with lust for the fight. Von Manstein, False Testimony, all that goes out the window. At the very front, Scarlet limbers up, as fresh as if it was the first whistle, her powerful body tense, ready for the fight, not a scratch on her. And the ball is up. Scarlet goes up for the it, her opposite number goes down, his nose gushing under her fist. And its away, before N.X. and take stock, the ball has moved between 3 players, round the ring. But every Incubus who takes the pass lingers just too long, eager for the enemy to come to them. An N.X. Fall back, jumps, fingertips out stretched and catches the last pass. He stumbles, falls, and the cry goes up around the ring. “Bundle”. While only half the Incubi are in the fray, the entire N.X. team pile into the vicious melee. But Incubi seize the ball from the Fall Backs twisted fingers and the Tail Gaters whip the ball out to the Suspicious package. Incubi Score. N.X, Mikael 0, Incubi 1

13th EPOCH: N.X. Mikael 1 (0, 1, 0, 0, 1, 2, 3, 3, 3, 2, 2, 1, 1) / Incubi 1 (0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 3, 2, 2, 1)

N.X. have lost 5 players to Incubi’s 7, slowly outnumbering their isolated positions and blocking the increasingly disorganised Incubi pass and move strategy. The remaining 3 N.X. players walk slowly back onto the pitch. 2 of them limp, staggering into position. One has an eye that has closed up. All bear bruises and breathe heavily. All they can try is a “Get Winston”. Their opponent sits, cross-legged, back to them. Her long, blood-red hair gleams in the sun set. And she doesn’t have a scratch on her. The ball arcs into the sky, the N.X. men squint into the low sun and a red demon rips into them. One goes down to a vicious elbow, sweat knocked off his crumpled face. The next grabs the ball on the bounce and manages a pass before he lets out a scream. He falls, his left arm hangs at a sickening, lifeless, angle. There are two players in the ring. Shady Williams has the ball and he’s running towards the centre goal. He’s almost there and, by the way, he has a wife and three kids. As long as he stays injury free he’s got it made as a The Game Super Star, scoring the final goal in the Lords and Ladies. Right? Scarlet runs like a wolf, she looks into his eyes for the shortest moment as she draws level. As they approach the fateful spot in the dust Scarlet grips the back of his head and leaps high. She lands feet forward pulling her man down, headfirst. His skull smacks into the dirt and Scarlet lifts the ball from his unconscious fingers and places it onto the goal. Her long, blood-red hair gleams in the sunset. And she doesn’t have a scratch on her. N.X. Mikael 1, Incubi 2

THE GAME

“Is Beauty The Game? Is The Game Beauty?”

Despite repeated attempts to the contrary, The Game does have some rules. The most fundamental of these refer to the methods of scoring. Each team has a goal, marked by a ring or spot on the field, and there is a third or forth goal in the centre. To score a player must place the ”ball” in the goal spot in the centre. This earns one point. If a player places the ball in the ring/spot of an opposing team, then one point is deducted from that team.

The Referee:

In The Game, the referee represents a semi-impartial non-combatant. It is his job to throw the ball near the centre for the Bugg*r Off. He may also call a halt to proceedings if a bundle becomes boring. He is not always right.

Scoring table:

1 point – place the ball in the centre
-1 point – the ball is placed in your goal
1 point – a member of your team causes an injury compliant with ABH laws
3 points – a member of your team bleeds heavily
5 points – a member of your team dies

Periods:

Periods of play vary between games but typically a game will have a timeout between every 3 points scored. Each period of play is known as “an epoch” or “a set”. When play starts it is known as “a B*gger Off” (similar to Tee Off or Bully Off in Golf/Hockey respectively)

Positions:

Positions in The Game change regularly but are usually set out in the pre “Bugg*r Off” team strategic consultation.

Attack:

Fall Backs/Fall Guy: players who gain the ball and fall over in an attempt to secure it.

Kurt Steiner: when initiating a “Get Winston” manoeuvre the player designated to get Winston is known as the Kurt Steiner after a German Paratrooper commander sent to assassinate Churchill during the war.

VanGuards: Players sent to charge in and engage the enemy at the Bugg*r Off

The Damned: fast players are often sent to grab the ball at the Bug*er Off. They are invariably bundled.

Suspicious Package: this position is right next to a goal, Suspicious Packages wait for other players to pass the ball in for a quick score.

Defence:

Sentinels: in a situation where a team occupies the scoring zone, but does not control the ball they are likely to set up players as Sentinels in front of the goal to absorb the charge of the enemy and prevent them scoring. Sentinels must be able to take the impact and still push back.

Strikers: players who stay near the team goal or centre and hit anyone who comes near the score zone.

Draw Back: players instructed to protect the rear region are known as Draw Backs.

Tail Gaters: a player who waits for the ball to emerge from a ruck or bundle in order to run to a goal. Tail Gaters from opposing teams often confront each other in order to achieve superiority. They are also known as “Spectators” by The Damned who see them as weak players, unsuited to the rigours of a bundle.

Other Positions and Role Descriptions:

Pansy: anyone not playing is a pansy/big girl/wuss/pussy/chicken/wet/ yellow. Names vary according to region.

Combatant Melee: standard catchall term for players in the thick of it but no-where in particular.

The Daddy: the most vicious, experienced player is known affectionately as “the Daddy”.

GoalKeepers: players who keep getting goals (usually counted as a run of 3 or more) are known as GoalKeepers.

Tactics:

The International Game Council formally recognises 13,462 tactics & game variations and informally recognises 3 (including the infamous “2-Men-Enter-1-Man-Leaves” variation), 345 tactics are unrecognised. Here are some of the most common for 2, and 3 team The Game.

Common:

False Testimony: After the B*gger Off, the The Damned may decide to convert the tactic to False Testimony, in this case they smack the ball away in a beneficial direction, often towards an enemy goal. Fast, tall teams use this tactic.
Advantages: Enemies are often confused by the sudden direction change in the game.
Disadvantages: This is a bold tactic that may lead to high speed collision and may be countered by other tactics, notably an effective “Get Winston”.
Defence – to defend against this tactic, it is advisable to deploy Draw Backs, and/or instruct your The Damned to also attempt a False Testimony.

Von Manstein: While covering their own goal, the team swing deep left, or right, and use their momentum to force the ball round to an opposing goal.
Advantages: Fast and useful to destroy enemy morale.
Disadvantages: Unlikely to score a centre point.
Defence – Strikers are important here as the enemy swings round towards the goal zone.

Barbarossa: The entire team charges for the Bug*er Off.
Advantages: The Barbarossa is an excellent way of capturing the ball and scoring a quick centre point. As the whole team charges this often causes the opposing The Damned to hesitate.
Disadvantages: The team goal is left unguarded, making it susceptible to Von Mansteins and an effective False Testament. This tactic should only be used by quick teams.
Defence – pre-empting a Barbarossa is crucial as it leads to easy goals. Players should be briefed during the pre “Bu*ger Off” team strategic consultation about the importance of not flinching during a Barbarossa attack. Using a The Damned in this situation is risky but can lead to a successful Von Manstein, a Fall Back may also work.

2 way Specific Strategy:

Get Winston: Also named the “Sticky Toffee” after its creator, this infamous technique is very effective. Simply one player is sent on a suicide Hunter Killer mission to neutralise a key enemy player, usually “The Daddy”.
Advantages: This method can leads to a high score as The Daddy is usually key to the success of a team.
Disadvantages: Usually, only a high quality player can neutralise a The Daddy. This, therefore, deprives both teams of a significant part of their arsenal and relies on the depth of talent in the squad. 3 way Get Winstons are difficult as there are two The Daddy’s and countering both will leave a team short of firepower.
Defence: Just hope your Daddy is bigger than their Daddy.

The ‘Gentleman’s Excuse-Me’: One of the games great pioneers, the first female Game -player, (considered a contradiction in terms by some conservative commentators) Emma Wade, invented this variation on the basic Get Winston. Akin to a Von Manstein, it uses the same winging tactics but rather than defending the home goal involves attacking the opposing teams The Daddy. ’Offence is better than Defence’ is the principle employed. Played in a two-team game, Wade’s team mate sprinted until on the far side of the ball, and then performed a Get Winston. Wade, meanwhile, headed for the ball on the right, and used Spatial Dimension tactics to evade other opposing players and score quickly.
Advantages: The mix of both Barbarossa and Spatial Dimensions tactics could be truly devastating, if effectively deployed. Another element of this tactic that is interesting to note, if only for it’s sheer deviousness, is the use of a special defence strategy known as the ‘Harassment Charge’. Male players may often feel indisposed to engaging in a ruck or bundle with female players, on account of fears of accidentally touching their tits. This is a very effective defence, and many proponents of the sport have called for a ban on Harassment Charges, calling them unfair. This may seem a little anti- The Game spirit, but some loud voices have called for it’s regulation all the same.
Disadvantages: While standard Barbarossa tactics can descend into bundles, the chance of either side scoring is never really lost. A Wade-Smith, however, if not immediately successful can result in a rout if effectively countered. The division of the offensive team can cause severe weakness in the face of an opposing team that can ‘wing out’ from the centre to further the gap between Kurt Steiner and Winger. Although potentially far more devastating than a Barbarossa, it doesn’t have the same staying power, and the force division involved can result in disaster.
Countering a Gentleman’s Excuse Me: One effective counter is to perform a ‘Dunkirk’-A get Winston on the attacking Kurt Steiner! This can be performed by the player on the opposite wing to the Kurt Steiner, crossing over at the last minute to turn his flank. Alternatively, the Winston can simply charge the attacking Kurt Steiner, throwing him off balance, and turning the tables. Once the Kurt Steiner has been neutralised, the defending Kurt Steiner can either pin him down, or rush to join his team-mates ruck. This may well end with a bundle, which results in exactly the same finish as a barbarossa that was not immediately successful. The key is for the defending team to score as soon as possible while the attacking Kurt Steiner is out of play. A Napoleon strategy must be used here, as the defending team attempt to pin down one division of the enemy forces with as little men as possible, while the rest employ a barbarossa on the remaining players, and storm them into submission. Perhaps a more effective counter is to use War of Spatial Dimensions tactics, which can leave attacking Kurt Steiners standing as they are evaded at the last minute by the Winston.

Go Johnny! Go Go Go Go!: This tactic can be described as ‘Get everybody except Winston’ i.e. the team marks one-on-one leaving just one player on each team free to chase the ball. The tactic really only works in the popular Sand Dune Massacre variant of 2 team The Game. “Johnny” starts with the ball in his end and runs behind the team until the opposition is neutralised.
Advantages: An excellent shock tactic, the Go Johnny! Go Go Go Go! Means that the team Buggering Off can choose exactly who will face who in the game. Johnny does not have to be the Daddy, in fact, he can be the poorest member of the team, just so long as he can make it past the last player on the other team.
Disadvantages: If Johnny fumbles the ball then all hell brakes loose. In some situations where Johnny’s opposite captures the ball, that team then plays Go Johnny! Go Go Go GO! and in turn pin down their personal marker. However, some of the most desperate scenes in The Game are seen when a loose ball goes wild and every player on the pitch goes for it. Marking pairs stumble and trip over each other as players try and break free from their opponent, Johnny and his opponent dive for the ball up to 16 men and women are left in a heap of limbs. 3 way Go Johnny! Go Go Go GO! is almost impossible as one team cannot seriously hope to pin down two teams simultaneously and this could lead to several players verses Johnny anyway.
Defence: similar to Get Winston, if someone wants to hang from your back, it’s hard to stop them. Pinned players must try and break free as quickly as possible. The last player may attempt Get Winston on Johnny.

3 way Specific Strategy:

Counter Point: The team draws back when an enemy is about to deduct a point from the third team (passive counter point), or even neutralises third party players (active counter point).
Advantages: This can create a temporary alliance between teams and lead to the downfall of a team significantly stronger than its two opponents. It also means that the team employing Counter Point is rested while its opponents become increasingly tired.
Disadvantages: Teams using this tactic may lose concentration and must be on guard in case the play shifts towards their goal and the possibility of a Counter Counter Point. While active counter point is more effective and almost ensures a negative score, it also leaves the team open to treachery from the team with ball in play.
Defence – defending against a Counter Point is extremely difficult, players face two teams simultaneously. Strikers and DrawBacks come into play here.

The Ruck:

As soon as a player has the ball they are the key targets of their opponents. Often a player cannot out run opposing players and is grabbed or tripped. If a player is still standing with ball then other players bind on, in attempt to feed the ball out to a Suspicious Package.

The Bundle:

If a player with the ball falls (i.e. a Fall Back) and keeps hold of it a bundle may (and almost certainly will) ensue. The player at the bottom (ground zero) must attempt to score if they are close enough, or, more usually pass the ball to a team-mate. Opponents claw at the player, kick them, belly flop, and generally hurt them until they let go of the ball. Again, Tail Gaters and Suspicious Packages must be on hand, but his may leave the team short handed in the bundle itself. In the case of a bundle it is traditional to shout “Bundle” as a mark of respect for all those who died of the plague in 1665.

Tackling:

Basically, players can do anything but there are some violent attacks that keep popping up in most games:
Leg Grab: grab a player by their leg to trip them up, players with the ball may also drop this on impact.
Double Leg Grab: grab a player by both legs, this is more effective and causes more damage as the player cannot use a leg to break a fall.
Waist Tackle: easily the most common tackle, the waist grab is easily accomplished but lacks effective power. Experienced players can withstand a Waist Tackle for many minutes, allowing a friendly player to take the ball. Waist tackles form the bulk of “Get Winston” assaults as long term immobilisation is more important than sudden impact
Leg Heave: similar to the Grab, and again in both 1 and 2 leg varieties, the heave is used in stationary locks to throw an opponent. This is a shock tactic that can often surprise a foe that has settled into a grip. The player simply takes hold of one or both legs and picks them up.
Shoulder Barge: an old favourite, Shoulder Barge relies on the momentum of the body for damage. It is effective during the Bug*er Off and defence of a goal as a player slows to score.
Gutted: Use when an opponent on their back is holding the ball, simply drop your knee onto their abdomen causing winding and instant pain.
‘Alex Eliot’s Elbow of Evil’: This move was first utilised, to great effect, in the apocalyptic Adepts Ad Mortum-N.X.Mikael game at the famous Half-life Arena in Kent. First used that very day in an Adepts Ad Mortem training session, rising star Alex Smelliot, reformed girly rugby player, (named for his constant flatulence) demonstrated on Sticky Toffee, who was, for the first time in many years, slit up a treat. Used to force the Fall Back to drop the ball, the move involves putting the point of your elbow on the Fall Back’s Sternum and pressing hard. The pain can be close to unbearable, and an extremely effective tactic, if there is time. The only viable defence, other than avoiding it or shielding the chest with the arms, as Sticky Toffee discovered, was to punch the assailant repeatedly in the face. Otherwise the Fall Back has to hold onto the ball for as long as possible, until, hopefully, a teammate can rescue them. It was in that very game, in the fourth Epoch, that Sticky Toffee, famous for his boyish good looks and long-preserved features, almost had his nose broken for the first time by N.X.Mikael’s Chris ‘The G*mp’ HillBill.

Defence Moves:

Runforyourlife: run away

Posture: use your body to best advantage, keep low and spread your feet. This allows a player to resist grips and shove tackles.

Body Drop: when in a tight lock simply drop to the floor. 50% of the time your opponent will come off worse, twisting limbs, impacting on soft tissue, or being pinned beneath your weight.

Palm Block: simply use your hand to deflect attacks by smacking a foe around the head. This is particularly effective when employed by tall players.

True Grit: you are the greatest, they can’t stop you, the feeble cretins, the goal is so close, just one more effort… simply believe in yourself and the complete lack of physical talent in your opponents, drive forward, take them all on. Many players simply dive into the fray eager for blood, often stimulated by cocktails of drugs or alcohol abuse.

Play Dead: When approaching an enemy line take a dive, this will confuse many players who may also find it difficult to cope with a prone opponent.

General Battle Mandates:

This basically means the style of play preferred by a team and depends on their skill, confidence, size, strength and aggression.

War of Attrition: Many teams favour brutal close combat in order to crush and injure opposition teams. The point may be decided very quickly and decisively at the Bu*ger Off and the first charge.

War of Spatial Dimensions: The antithesis of Attrition, some teams prefer to dodge, weave and pass in order to score, relying heavily on Suspicious Packages. High stamina is required for a War of Spatial Dimensions.

War of Temporal Dimensions: The team use stand off behaviour and rely on fast strikes from team positions, often backing away and relying on a runner to make up ground while the team relocate to the chosen goal.

Passing

Passing is an all-important aspect of The Game, a fact forgotten by many players, who struggle to run through the ranks of the opposition. How many points could have been scored by a simple lob to the rear of the ring? Here we analyse some common passes.

Lob: a lob is a very effective pass in The Game. Offensive lobs attempt to move the ball near the opponent’s goal spot, and a well organised team will have a player in the area, ready to score. However, teams should be careful not to make their intentions known, because a pass receiver is open to attack, while looking for the ball. Defensive lobs require much less accuracy, just as long as the ball lands far away from your score zone the job is done.

Standard pass: this covers a large range of throws with, perhaps, a small arc.

Football: although all The Game players and fans know that football is a girls game for girls, passing by kicking the ball is a recognised and effective pass in the game. Its particular advantage is that the ball can be accelerated to high speeds and can also be kept low, preventing the opposition from making an easy catch.

Regional Variation: The rich world of The Game is enhanced by various rules and styles attributed to places, heroes past and present, or just sheer bloody-mindedness.

Harry Ramsdan Central Defence: This Southern version uses a central defence force to defend against both teams in a hybrid 2 team/3 team game. This often used when there are unequal teams. The central defenders cannot score but may be able to deduct points from the teams by scoring in team goals.

Sand Dune Massacre: In this variant of 2 team The Game, instead of a standard B*gger Off one team starts with the ball. Usually the half court special rule is in effect i.e. the other team may deploy anywhere inside their own half. This game relies on War of Attrition Tactics and is famous for the violence of the first charge of the epoch.

Score Zone Variance: Many popular variations of The Game rely on the theories of Score Zone Spatial Anomaly by famous pioneer in the field of The Game Simon Day. The new rules allow the goals to move although there is much controversy as to whether players are allowed to purposefully move the goals. Many hardcore The Game players believe that it is perfectly reasonable to move the goal in order to prevent a score shot.

The Smythe-Blythe-Brook-Warrington Alteration: A simple yet highly successful variant of The Game in which all the players must hop. This leads to a slower, more graceful game, characterised by many people falling over.

The Mill Stone: A variant often used for the Greenitch Endurance Special. This game, almost uniquely, is designed for 4 teams. The ball starts in the middle and teams must attempt to score in their own corner of the ring. There is no provision for negative scoring. This system produces a strange take on Counter-Point strategy as any team managing to approach their goal is immediately the victim of the other 3 teams.

The Game Race: A superb spin off from main stream The Game, Game Racing is becoming a sport in its own right as some teams in the Open League play races almost to the exclusion of classic The Game. The game is simple in its genius: get the ball across the line and stop the other players from doing so. Sounds just like conventional The Game? Well yes, but all the players start from the same line and run a course. The game has similar undertones as the Mill Stone due to the fact that the player with the ball incurs the wrath of the other players. Races may take place with only one player per team and can include any number of teams. The Bug*er off is either provided by a Referee, or a stationary ball several metres in front of the start line. The race may also include an impartial defender, similar to that of the Harry Ramsden Central Defence.

VORTEX. NO CONTEST

A caretaker sits in the changing rooms during a match in the League of Storm Clouds. He muses on the best game in the world. 8 men head to head, no holds barred, passion, purity. How can you improve on that? Maybe there was something in the room; a spirit of the game or maybe it was because he’d mixed up his coffee with the cleaning fluid but something happened – inspiration. All it took was an email to IBC Variation Committee and the next week the home crowd at Legionnaires witnessed one of the most entertaining matches ever seen. The cause was a simple new rule called “Vortex”. Players had to hold their nose and spin around 10 times before every bu*ger off. The match was played against Incubi, who at the time were on a fifteen match winning streak, overtaking Styx Implicit in Imperial. Incubi were heavy favourites to win (although the Legionnaires barely cared) and strutted into the ring with typical arrogance. It was a no contest. Incubi were faster, stronger and more aggressive, yet when it comes to adaptation and when you have to embrace the ridiculous there are none better than Legionnaires. The Incubi disintegrated and even the infamous Scarlet was impotent to prevent their reeling, disorientated opponents scoring time after time, laughing all the way. While the Incubi looked awkward and embarrassed, Legionnaires took the comedy to heart.

THE TEAM

“I do not want your blood, I can take your blood. I want your spirit, and only you can give me that”

A The Game team can consist of any number of players, but usually approximately 5 play at any one time in a match. Some games play with only one or two players on each side, but these are no less exciting.

Membership - A mentioned there is no official cap to the number of players on a team but most have around 10 men or women available to play. Pay in the leagues is exactly the same for all professional players, although the vast majority play for the shear pleasure of the game: the adrenaline rush, the excitement, the challenge. Occasionally, and tragically, players have demanded higher wages, this has met with resistance at every level and players refusing to back down on the matter, such as the promising “Tail Gater” Philip Winders, have been forced to withdraw from the game.

In-Game Organisation - Most players have a favourite position that they play in most matches, however, team members are re-arranged according to circumstance. Although The Daddy is the most influential player on the team, all the players are involved in quickly deciding how the next epoch or point will be played at the pre-Bu*ger Off Team Strategic Consultation (pBOTSC). During the action it is up to the players individually to act according to the situation and not rigidly stick to a plan that may become irrelevant the instant the referee Bu*gers off.

Typical Organisation and Formation

This diagram portrays a fairly standard game of 2-team The Game (the Sand Dune Massacre Variant) 3 seconds into play. In this game one team (black) has started at their end with the ball for a non-referee B*gger Off. The opposing team (white) is deploys within its own half.

Although only a few seconds into the game the tactics are becoming obvious: black are employing a War of Temporal Dimensions. One of their players sweeps to the right while the player with the ball, flanked by a body guard advances ready for the overhead pass, to the rear of the enemy. The white team have initiated a “Get Winston” in order to immobilise the black Daddy. They have positioned two Sentinels in order to break the charge of the black VanGuards but have left themselves open to the pass from behind. They have also positioned a Draw Back to protect against negative scoring.

2 Way PreBug*er Off Half Court Deployment

1: Draw Backs (possibly designated Strikes)

2: Vanguards

3: Wing Vanguard (for Von Manstein and Spatial mandate)

4: The Damned

Post Bug*er Off 3 Way Deployment

White: Begin with False Testimony and convert to Von Manstein against Yellow as they realise that Blue Team will play Counter Point. White risk a Get Winston as a Vanguard dives wide towards the Yellow goal.

1: Draw Back (protects against Blue attack if the Von Manstein fails)

2: Vanguard with ball (takes ball from False Testimony and goes for Von Manstein negative score against yellow)

3: Kurt Steiner (as Blue play passive Counter Point, white allow a Get Winston as in 2 Way The Game)

4: The Damned (played False Testimony at *ugger Off)

Yellow: Try Barbarrosa but are out manoeuvred and leave their rear vulnerable. Their Daddy is neutralised by White Get Winston

Blue: Notice the danger to Yellow by the False Testimony and convert to passive Counter Point, protecting their goal but ready to strike at White if the opportunity arises.

Transfers

Player transfers are reasonably common in the Leagues. There are many reasons why players are moved, by their own choice or otherwise. They may feel they have outgrown the team or are unhappy with how the team is performing, older players may downgrade themselves to a lower level of The Game so they can still enjoy the sport. Managers may also feel inclined to move players who are regularly under performing or do not gel adequately with the other team members. Although occasionally there are biter disputes, both parties involved usually agree a mutually beneficial course of action. Most teams do not actively head hunt players as the IBC and the Leagues consider this extremely bad manners.

Once a player has left a professional club he is entered into the IBC Strategic Reserve or “The Orphanage”. While without a club players are not idle and reservists play in their own league in order to keep their skills sharp. Sometimes players may develop close new relationships with like-minded individuals and form a new team in the Open League. Fortunate players are quickly snapped up by teams replacing old or injured players, or who are scouting for a missing piece in their team jigsaw.

A WHOLE WORLD OF BUGGE*Y

Other Teams:

For the sake of completeness we have here include a list of other popular teams in the leagues. Although by no means definitive it gives the reader a better idea of the scale of the game:

Team & Moto	League
Adepts ad Mortem Phobos et deimos	Jupiter
Angels. We are Angels. Let no one stand against us. Let no man stand in our way Characters	Characters
Artemis. Gold shod warriors	Jupiter
Bell & Walker. Changing environment	League Of Storm Clouds
Chester Hares. To keep running when bloodied	Jupiter
Commissar. Not one step backwards	League of Valiant
Dartmoor Black Fox. There is darkness over the moor, watch the predators	League of Storm Clouds
Fallen Blades Critical. Death wound	League of Valiant
G. Force. Ride the centrifuge	Jupiter
Incubi. Heart of darkness	Imperial
Iron Side. The troop on the hill	Characters
Legionnaires. That which is unknown always commands the greatest fear	League of Valiant
Ultra Mega Buffaloes. God bless Amoeba	A.V.G Nitro
N. X. Mikael. Full of spirit, full of fight	Imperial
Rapier Fantastic. Cut and thrust, burn forever	Jupiter
Shock. One hundred thousand volts	League of Valiant
Styx Implicit. Cerberus is waiting	Imperial
Tintagel Black Fox. Red eyes gaze from the cave	Imperial
Turbulence	Jupiter
Ultimatum. Dead line…	Jupiter
Unhuman	League of Storm Clouds
Vici. Causus Beli	Jupiter
Warlords. To War my Lords!	Characters
Woolwich Back Four	Jupiter

League Tables

Here is an extract from last years league table from the Jupiter League. The league ranking is based on points scored, wins, injuries for and against and bonus points awarded for spirited peformances.

Rank	Name	Points	For	Points	Against	Injury Bonus	Game Bonus	Total
1	G. Force	142	10	35	58	245
2	Vici	137	12	8	60	193
3	Adepts ad Mortem	56	5	67	74	192
4	Rapier Fantastic	84	13	23	49	169
5	Chester Hares	103	15	37	40	165
6	Artemis	100	14	33	42	161
7	Warwick	92	25	48	40	155
8	Ultimatum	81	18	52	28	143
9	Tectonic	69	30	30	59	128
10	Turbulence	70	23	28	52	127
11	Null	64	23	35	36	112
12	Woolwich Back IV	62	14	28	36	112
13	Internal Combustion	62	34	30	51	109

Other leagues use other scoring systems, depending on what the emphasis of the league is: originality, skill or energy…

League of Storm Clouds:

Name	Points	For	Points	Against	Negatives Scored	Injury Difference	New Tactics	Tactic Bonus	Total
Dartmoor Black Fox	78	24	35	12	34	135	318
Bell & Walker	67	21	29	23	28	133	301

Imperial:

Name	Ye Score	Wounds Imparted	Wounds Suffered	Point of Honour	Burning of Heretics	Ye Total	Ye Rank
Incubi	213	37	3	40	24	311	1
Styx Implicit	199	33	11	41	45	307	2

Deep Game and “The Mavens Group”

It is widely known that in 1786 The Conclave of Persons Most Masterful in the Matters of The Game and the Swift Deployment of Balls devised the modern Leagues system and set down the “rules” and Charter of the game. Yet there is much that is now lost to common knowledge, secrets of Deep Game and even the history of the original Advanced Violence Game. These secrets exists as myth, or in the darkest cellars of the IBC head quarters. Some people know these secrets. There are groups that meet in obscure London clubs, country houses in rural England and the hidden back rooms of old churches, they discuss the greatest game on Earth and they keep the old stories. There are rumours that some of these groups are the descendants of the delegates of The Conclave but, of course, this has never been confirmed. These groups are the keepers of Deep Game, they know the advanced tactics that are considered too overwhelming and the violent offensives that are considered too destructive. Although they keep these secrets they are also keen to develop new expert strategies and manoeuvres. These are often too complicated or dangerous for the common ring, but they do occasionally cross the border into practicality. They also petition the IBC who greatly respect the opinions of these The Game sages.

One of these secret organisations, one that is most often linked with the legend of the heritage of The Conclave is “The Mavens Group”. Of course very few people really know if they exist. When a difficult or controversial decision at the IBC is suddenly resolved without warning, people nod and say to their neighbour “ah, the Mavens are abroad”.

The Mavens Group specialises in the misty affairs of Deep Game, the shadows of history whisper of the WatchTower Battle of Barnby Dun, The Wraiths, and The Sundown 3 on 3. They publish an exclusive journal every five years, which is seen only by similar groups and select members of the IBC inner circle.

All Alone in the Dark:

3 tactics and game variations are unofficially recognised by the IBC. One of these is a game known as “All Alone in the Dark”. This game does not officially exist, it is not officially played and it is not officially very good fun. For one team.

Extract from www.thegamerocks.net/conspiracy_theories - “…have you ever noticed that teams from Imperial, like Incubi or Tintagel Black Fox, or Styx Implicit sometimes challenge a small team from the Open League and everyone says good on ‘em for giving the little guys a chance and then the match never seems to happen? Well, we know that these games do get played. They get played in the dead of night, in the wilds of Britain, high land Scotland or the remaining forests of England. These games include the biggest rings seen in The Game since the Middle Ages, miles in diameter. The Open Leaguers always bugg*r off. And the other team hunts them in the dark. They crouch low in the shadows and mutter secret words. When the prey approaches they mutter louder and their voices rise to shrieks and chants. Most of the opposition suffers some kind of psychological problems after the encounter and never speak of what happens to them. Anyone who dares to question these occurrences are laughed and jeered at. We are finally revealing all to you here at www.thegamerocks.net.”

A response from S. Calvert, manager of Incubi - “Incubi explicitly deny that we ever play any games unsanctioned by the IBC, you will have to ask them.”

An IBC response to rumours that “All alone in the dark” goes on in secret - “The IBC does not officially recognise that these games known as “All Alone in the Dark” exist and no hard evidence has been put forward that they are played in this day and age.”

Deep Strategy:

There are some very complicated and even convoluted tactics in The Game, that make up some of the official 13,462. Deep Game is rarely practicable, but the most accomplished teams in the leagues occasionally deploy these non-conventional weapons against similarly skilled opponents.

Incy Wincy Spider: This linear Spatial Dimension stratagem requires 2, or preferably 3 players and is best suited to 2-team “Sand Dune Massacre” The Game. It should be used to cut through the opposing team, from the bugg*r-off towards the score zone. By quickly, and precisely passing, the team playing Spider can avoid mass confrontation and injury. The Incy Wincy Spider demands a high degree of accuracy of pass, discipline and clarity of thought.

This Diagram demonstrates how the team should weave up the “drain pipe”. As each player passes, he or she must then run on to the next position.

Counter: there are two countering this move one may attempt a Go Johnny! # Go! Go! Go! Go! If successful, this cuts off the supply of players further up the drain – pipe, however, if the “spiders” have already made progress, it may be too late. The second counter is similar but is specifically designed to destroy the spider. This tactic is called The Rain Maker, as the rain comes down to was the spider out. So, using the philosophy of the Go Johnny! Go! Go! Go! Go! the counter team must anticipate the positioning of the “Spider” and systematically break its legs and pass forward. In this way, the counter team may then go on to play Incy Wincy Spider themselves.

Anti-Counter The Rain Maker- Spinning the Web: In order to counter-counter The Rain Maker requires an absolute minimum of three players and four is strongly recommended. The manoeuvre begins as Incy Wincy Spider, but is changed when the opposition plays The Rain Maker. Whilst the Incy Wincy Spider is purely linear it is an easy target. This disadvantage can therefore be nullified if the formation is taken into 2 dimensions and transformed into Spinning the Web.

This diagram shows the direction of pass, but it is also useful to see how the players move during the “Web”.

This diagram shows how the players must position themselves to “Spin the Web”. Of course moving to quickly leads to the collapse of the web because a player standing still will be easily tackled, or at least marked. The whole manoeuvre must be carried out at high speed. Variations of the web exist although this is the original, and most popular web design. Spinning the web is very, very rare in modern The Game and only the greatest teams use it , and then but sparingly. A team must also be of the right character, fast, accurate and used to spatial dimensions tactics. If the goal is well protected by strikers and draw backs, then the web can be maintained indefinitely. The dashed lines indicate how players move after the first revolution to change roles. In this case, the 3rd player (green) in the web becomes the 1st (formerly blue) and the 4th in the link (red) changes to 2nd (formerly yellow). The pattern is then repeated, and the web can even move across the ring, altered in size and even flipped to its mirror image.

Of course this tactic is not indestructible: you have woven your web and the fly is trapped, but what if the fly is strong enough to break free?

Counter Thrice – The Over Mighty Subject: The ball flies through the air, effortlessly caught and passed, your enemies weaves around at top speed, always in the right place. The web is constricting you. What can you do fly? You can stretch your wings and flex your muscles. A team caught in the web must act quickly to counter the web, maintain some initiative and end up in some sort of attacking formation. In short, they must perform the Over Mighty Subject. As a slave of the web the weak or naïve team will chase the ball and try and mark. This is difficult when the opposition knows where they are going, and you do not. You cannot simply defend the home zone or centre zone because that will leave the other open and splitting defence will cause the web team to strike two to one at whichever end they choose.

During a game that could, perhaps, decide the Characters season in the late early 1800s two webs were seen simultaneously. Angels, then 2nd in the League after 4 years without a title were playing the leader, Warlords. Angels began a run with the ball and played Incy Wincy Spider. Realising this, Warlords immediately executed The Rainmaker. As both formations met, there was confusion as to who had successfully made the last pass. The Warlords The Daddy believed that Characters had begun their own rain maker, having failed the Spider. He signalled his team to deploy the web. At that moment, the Angels team saw that the Spider was hanging fire and deployed their own web. Angels span a conventional web, but Warlords, knowing that Angels knew how to Spin the Web, played a flipped formation. Thus - both teams were, unknowingly, playing exactly the same positions. As both teams were drilled in exact precision for the web, they did not see that the receiver was from another team. The passes flew in and out, players throwing to opponents in the confusion. The climax of this strange battle was when The Daddy for Angels, ran into The Daddy of Warlords. Protocol forgotten, an enormous fight erupted, ending in a point for Angels. This loss meant that, eventually, Iron Side went on to win the Elite of the League, completing the Turnip O’Grady McFizzwas in early 1812.

Theoretical Theory:

Many man hours of the secret organisations of The Game, and the scribes of the IBC itself are spent perfecting the best game in the world. Here is an example of work by someone whose dedication to the game is slightly worrying…

“Critical Resource Mismanagement or Getting Ones Own Winston: The popular and relatively new tactic of Super Member pro-Neutralisation (SMpN), or Get Winston is certainly one of the most influential and effective methods of supra-defence of recent years. However, close scrutiny of the inner theory of the tactic shows that SMpN has a possible and terminal flaw, if physio-player resources are misallocated. That is to say if during the pre-Bug*er Off Team Strategic Consultation (pBOTSC) a player designated as the agent of Super Member pro-Neutralisation (the Kurt Steiner) is relatively or actually superior to the opposing Super Member, then in real terms the team looses out in the The Game equilibrium. This is less noticeable if a team is considerably poorer in quality. If, though, the teams are similar in ability then this mismanagement can crucially alter the outcome of the contest.”

Put in layman’s terms, this simply means that if you send a player to Get Winston, and that player is better that the opposing The Daddy, or critical to your success in another way, then you effectively lose any advantage as your player is needlessly wasted and the team is weakened!

To be continued.....

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