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EXCLUSIVE: HORROR OF THE CUT AND SHUT SANDWICHES

In a small sandwich factory in Neasden it has come to light that there has been blatant selling of cut and shut sandwiches to the general public.

One normal buyer of a BLT sandwich stumbled upon this fact when he noticed that the lettuce leaf in one half of the sandwich did not match up the lettuce leaf in the other half, this is where the whole controversy started.

When undercover investigators went in to the factory they found that when the sandwiches were made they were cut in half and then placed in to packaging but in this process halves were jumbled up and one half from one sandwich was place with half from another.

This is an obvious endangerment to life as you can tell from this evidence: “Well I was eating one example of the sandwiches when I realised I had bought one with a filling I didn’t like and then I couldn’t take it back, £1.55 down the bloody drain!” – Mrs Thikarse. Some people did say to me that was her own fault and that it has nothing to do with the current story but to us it is evidence of this outrageous disregard for service and quality that the public need.

Who knows what may go wrong in the end, it could get so dire that granary could be placed in with wholemeal by accident causing almost catastrophic results. Reporter: Earl of Sandwich

BREAKING NEWS: KETCHUP FACTORY EXPLODES!

Today there was a large explosion at a ketchup factory in a run down seaside resort. Nobody was injured but the tomato filled blast carried for 1 mile in radius covering everything in red goo. When one worker (Alan Heinz) was questioned about it he said the whole situation was “very saucy”

Also since the explosion there have been reports of children dipping their chips and fish fingers in this ketchupy wasteland that used to be called Swanage. Some tomato sauce reached the shore and so an immediate cleanup operation has begun to clean the scandalously saucy mess from the seagulls so that they can return to a normal life.

Police have said the sea may have a top layer of ketchup for at least 2 days. There have also been rumours that a mediocre burger chain (I think you know who I am talking about) is stealing this sauce from the street for their own use although this cannot be confirmed. Reporter Mr McCain

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