Phylis Stine visits....
Hello, after being offered lots of cash and free holidays I have decided to get involved in this project where I go on a tour around mainland Europe for 40 days. From this free holiday I have managed to put together a list of tips for holidaying in mainland Europe.
Here I am in some place, I think its called Prance or something, it has a big version of the Blackpool tower in it and there are a lot of funny hats. Anyway, as I was travelling along earlier I realised I needed a piss so we stopped at this little shat service station, there were lot’s of foreigners about talking a lot of mumbo jumbo. So I went towards the toilets…. And this is where I put Tip 1 into action.
Tip 1 – Service stations
- At the service stations around here it is well known by frequent travellers to this place that there is always a crabby old woman working at the toilets, (I think her name is usually Mrs Skagsworth). She will try to con you out of your money to use the toilet. I can only imagine how many people have shit themselves whilst trying to find change.
- A good way to avoid paying this old hag is to walk past her and pretend you haven’t seen her. But if she asks you directly then you should tell her you don’t have any change (in English) so she might not understand. If she persists and follows you then start using long words (English ones, of course) and string them into a long sentence that doesn’t make sense (For example, Disinfected arousal phenomena of the paranormal prehistoria and the quadrangle rhomboid of the dodecahedrons)
- She should by now, be baffled completely, but if she stills persists trip her over and run. If we don’t have to pay for public toilets in the UK why should we pay in the rest of Europe! Anyway, all their services and crappy and small anyway, not proper ones like ours, so it’s understandable why they should be so backward
- I’m just glad I only needed a wee; I would’ve had to take out a loan to go for a shit. Bloody foreigners!
Tip 2 – Be Ignorant!
- Basically when travelling to mainland Europe, just remember that your ignorance to the country’s language is your best weapon. Whenever you get told to do something that you don’t want to do just claim you do not understand (In English) even when you do.
- That is exactly what I did when I drove my car the wrong way up the motorway. Stupid bastards – why don’t they just drive the same way? It’s just awkwardness and trying to be difficult and different, Bloody foreigners!
- I’m getting seriously pissed off now
That other annoying thing they do is charge more to sit down than standing up. I didn’t realise chairs were so expensive that you have to pay extra to rent one out. All I want to do is sit, have a rest and have a drink and your going to make me pay extra for a bloody chair, well I guess my drink will make me want to go to the toilet, and then I’ll have to pay to do a piss! It makes me mad!
My take on the rest of Europe, makes me come to the decision that it’s crap, absolute crap. I’m not going to continue this guide because I don’t think you should go. I wouldn’t even bother going. It’s a lot easier to stay at home on the back garden and watch TV travelshop you know, It’s cheaper and they don’t speak a load of crap you don’t understand, and you can piss when you like!
Phylis Stine – (Agony aunt) (and now holiday writer)
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